At the end of last week’s episode Claire jumped ship and this week she washes up on shore and realizes she’s in a world of trouble and only has 3 days to find water or die.
Luckily for our hero, she’s smart as hell, so she dries her clothing, searches for civilization and picks up flint rocks and dried sticks in case she needs to start a fire. That night, she falls asleep and wakes up with fire ants swarming and biting her legs. UnFun Fact: Fire ants are the bain of my existence in Texas. I hate those little mofos. #ButIDigress Next day she finds a coconut but it’s been drained dry and the other ones are too high up in the tree for her to reach even with her perfect 36” inseam. She walks all day falling asleep leaning against a tree. In the morning, she wakes up to discover a big, nasty snake crawling across her neck.
She gets up, stumbles through the woods and hears a man’s voice. As she sees him, she faints and a little, barking dog runs up and finds her. Claire wakes up tied to a bed, with green poultice slimed over her nasty, infected legs. The world’s bitchiest woman dumps water down her throat, gives the zipper on her clothing a suspicious gander and takes off with her clothes.
As she awakens, a priest, Father Fogden greets her, unties her limbs and gives her water. He tells her there’s a village, one days’ walk from his home but she’s too weak to travel. He then consults with a coconut for a second opinion. His coconut agrees she’s too weak to travel, but then they have a disagreement…as one does.
At dinner Claire asks how they came to live on the island. Hint: Never ask crazy people a question if you don’t already know the answer Claire. Fogden says he ran away with a woman who became his wife but she died. The rude woman, his mother-in-law, Mamacita, begins shouting she wants Claire out of their home. Father Looney-Tunes lights up his pipe and gets stoned for the 5th time that day.
Next morning Father Stoner and his MIL go apeshit when they find out a Chinese sailor has killed their favorite goat. Claire hears ‘Chinese sailor’ and takes off running toward the beach cutting her arm in the process. Jamie and a handful of his buddies are on shore fixing part of the ship. By the time Claire gets there, they’ve finished the repairs and are already a few hundred yards off shore. Pickpocket Claire handily stole a small mirror and now uses it girl-scout style to signal Jamie on the ship. He rows ashore and they run into each other’s arms. Sadly they’re not in red swimsuits. Or running in slow motion. #WeCantHaveEverything
Yi Tien Cho sews up Claire’s arm and I’m hoping he shows up next season cuz I’m getting verra fond of him. Jamie tells Claire he gave the kids permission to wed and she tells him she ‘knows a guy.’ They go to visit Father Fogden and I wonder if the coconut will assist with the ceremony. Claire helps #MarsaliRhymesWithParsley get dressed and gives her birth control advice. #GirlPower
Father Fogden marries the happy couple and when Jamie gives Fergus his last name, my iceburg heart melted and pink birds flew out and sang a lovesong.
Aboard ship, Claire has eaten turtle soup , laced with sherry and managed to get snockered. Jamie attempts to give her a shot of Penicillin but he canna hurt her which is adorable. Claire’s not so looped that she has forgotten her husband is the hottest guy on the planet so she adorably climbs all over him, trying to seduce him and eventually achieves her goal.
Only two more episodes this year and then we begin #Droughtlander all over again. I have no idea how they’re going to squish everything into two more episodes, but I trust they’ll get it done.
In related news, I really need to expand my TV viewing world, but I’m not sure where to begin. Nothing compares to our show, does it? I’m the hardest person to suggest a tv show to and this is why. I don’t like shows where people float in outer space or under water because then I can’t breathe. I don’t like shows with slavery. *I don’t like shows with torture. I don’t like shows where they hurt children. The writing has to be smart and witty is a bonus. That leaves Grace and Frankie, Gilmore Girl’s and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman reruns. Any suggestions my peeps?
*(I had a very hard time with the episodes where Jamie was whipped and tortured so I watched without volume through my fingers.)