Claire awakens with a butterfly fluttering in her nether regions which happily for her turns out to be JAMMF, confirming once again that he’s not only enthusiastic, he’s. good. at. everything. He’s proving to be a champ at Downtown Mmphm’ing and I wonder if there’s ANYTHING the lad canna do? No, really, I want to know.
Suddenly at the worst possible moment, Murtagh ‘Bad Timing’ Fitzgibbons pounds on the door, bellowing that Jamie’s a lazy lout. ‘NO’ our determined hero cries, disregards the noise and completes his work on time, receiving an A+, several gold stars and if I know anything about our Claire, an unspoken reciprocal promise.
Note: At this time, my DVR seems to malfunction and re-plays the first two minutes at least 5 times more before the rest of the episode would continue. #ItsNotMyFault!
‘Bad Timing’ Fitzgibbons tells Jamie (who by the way is rocking the Scottish jeggings) that the Duke of Sandringham is in town and he might be able to dismiss the bogus charges against Jamie. Claire pipes up that they shouldn’t trust him cuz he’s BFFs with Randall, but Jamie says he needs to at least try. They could go back to Lallybroch and be Laird & Lady Tuarach and wear crowns and fascinators and wave from balconies, etc.
With the men off to do something manly, our Claire stomps to the kitchen to confront Laoghaire. Mrs. Fitz sensing trouble shouts ‘CAT FIGHT!’ and clears the room. “Did you or did you not put this ‘Michael’s Crafting Fail’ under our marital bed you wee bitch”, growls Claire. At first Mean Girl denies it, but Claire goes all Oprah on her saying she understands and even sympathizes and it looks like this could end with them holding hands and performing the chorus from “I’m Every Woman” when Claire makes the mistake of saying “he was never yours to begin with” and Mean Girl goes nuts, Claire bitch slaps her and Mean Girl shouts ‘even your BFF Geillis hates ye, where do you think I got the ill wish’?
Claire learns Geillis is in the creepy woods on the wrong side of town holding an ‘interpretive dance recital for one’ so she heads out in time to catch something equivalent to Mrs. Graham’s performance only this time with a couple of nipples and a whole lot o’ cray cray. Claire can’t help but notice Geillis is preggo and Geillis says she’s got a ‘Dougal in the oven’ and I can almost hear the tortured screams of book readers around the world as we once more deviate from the novel!**
They head back to town, arms linked, like two girls on an after school trip to 7-11, with Geillis wearing a lovely hooded jacket (with a pointed witch hat) which was sewn from a tree trunk by virginal wood nymphs during a full moon. They hear a baby crying on the Fairy Hill and Witchy says ‘leave it cuz it’s a changeling,’ and Claire’s like ‘hold on, I need to Google that’ but Witchy saves her the trouble and Claire hightails it up the Fairy Hill but sadly, she’s too late, the baby is dead. Jamie finds her tenderly rocking the baby’s body and explains the level of cray-cray she’s dealing with and they head home.
Jamie shows Claire the legal document Ned Gowan/Perry Mason has calligraphied on fancy parchment paper listing the depravity of BJR and says she must sign it and he will deliver it to the Duke that afternoon. Claire high tails it to Castle Duke and preemptively tries to black mail him with her knowledge of his shenanigans with BJR. ‘No way’ says Sandringham, and also I’m thinking about writing a book called ‘Popular Twiticisms of the Cowardly Lion’ he preens as Claire lowers the boom with a parting shot asking how much of the Jacobite gold Dougal passed on to him. The Duke recognizing a worthy opponent reluctantly agrees to help JAMMF.
Rupert and Angus (I miss them!) greet Claire in the courtyard of Leoch and tell her Dougal’s homely wife has died and he’s gone nutz and they need a magic potion to knock him out. #BookReadersGonnaGoCrazy Angus tricks Dougal into drinking it and he passes out on the floor, Ned orders the Extras to pick him up and carry him to his room while Rupert in his statesman-like fashion snarls ‘if you drop him, I’ll have yer balls!’ Short but effective, Rupert!
Jamie & Murtagh arrive at the Duke’s home in time to see the Clan MacDonald leaving. They interrupt the Duke who is boisturously singing, ‘I Like Jamie’s Butt And I Cannot Lie’, so Murtagh presents the Document as Jamie casually stands with his back to the wall. The Cowardly Lyin Bastard says he’ll do it but he wants JAMMF to be his second in a duel with the MacDonalds.
At the dinner for the Duke, Mrs. Fitz has outdone herself as dinner is carried in on a giant platter with a giant taxidermied blue chicken and everyone oohs and aaahs. They’re all enjoying dinner when the Flatulent Fiscal, Arthur Duncan, keels over and dies. But alas the Widow Duncan is merry too soon and Colum sees Dougal’s smirky smirk face and catches on to their unholy happenings.
It’s the day of the duel and I’m gonna have to Google this too cuz the men stand 20 feet apart, shoot at each other with fancy guns and miss. Even I could’ve hit the guy and that’s before I had Lasix! I know we’re deviating from the book, but it seems a bit extreme to bring in the Volturi from Twilight to play MacDonald’s weinerish sons. The Volturi attack Jamie from behind and he fights off all three vampires defending himself like a Scottish Bruce Lee.
Colum’s ticked off beyond measure and summons Dougal, Ned and ‘that one’ (Jamie) and banishes the Merry Widower, JAMMF, Rupert & Angus to Dougal’s castle. They must remain in ‘time out’ until he says so. JAMMF is an unhappy fella since he loves Claire and also is getting mighty used to regular Mmphm and probably wants to keep his skills up.
Jamie gives Claire a tender farewell and warns her to steer clear of the Merry Widow cuz the Flatulent Fiscal is dead there’s no telling what could happen.
For once it seems our girl is actually gonna do what he asks when a letter arrives for Claire who’s in the kitchen tending to Mrs. Fitz’s burn. Geillis needs her STAT! She arrives at the Merry Widow’s lair to find she did not send for Claire, and now the creepy medeivel PoPo are pounding on the door. Geillis tells her not to worry that Dougal will keep her and the wee witchy bairn safe and Claire who’s normally a regular Chatty Cathy does not pipe up and tell her Dougal’s left town. Once inside, the PoPo grab ‘two witches for the price of one’ and lock them inside a Port-A-Jail and the horses carry them off as we see Laoghaire smirking at Claire.
So, what’s gonna happen to our sweet Claire? Has her friendship with Geillis got her into a pickle? How far away is Dougal’s home, is there a cell phone signal or will Murtagh need to gallop all the way to alert our hero? These are just some of the questions I have and I know you’ve got some too. I want to hear them, so don’t be shy! Open your ‘pie holes’ as Rupert would say and let me hear from you either on Twitter: @Gracesmom48, here on the Blog or on Facebook at: https://www.Facebook.com/outlandermarried.memeteam
**NOTE: I’ve heard from MANY of you lovely readers of the Blog who want to fill me in on Geillis and Dougal’s baby and I really wish I could publish your letters, but alas I canna because they would be very ‘spoilery’ for non book readers, and I don’t want to ruin the Outlander experience for them. So, as much as I’d LOVE to publish your letters and talk about you know what and you know who I just can’t. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thank you all so much for writing!!