The following are ‘medically proven’* to help you survive the final three Outlander episodes:
1) Boxes and boxes of tissues. You know what? Forget it. You’ll need a large towel for your tears.
2) A large, soft blanket….preferably plaid. Wrap this tightly around your body as you would a crying infant. You may need to ask a neighbor or close friend to assist with swaddling.
3) A pillow. Must be large enough to hide behind; find one with fringe or ruffles to peek through. (Over-sized teddy bears may be substituted).
4) Alcohol….and plenty of it. Whisky is recommended, but feel free to choose your favorite. Three hours prior to showtime, begin drinking 1/2 cup straight liquor every half hour. (Do this only if you’re home for the evening.)
5) Chocolate….this releases endorphins into your body that will give you a false sense of well being. You’re gonna need it.
6) Faux Weapon. I recommend a ‘Nerf’ style machine gun to shoot the TV when the Evil Black Jack Randall appears. It’ll make you feel like you’re helping the Frasers, even if you’re not.
7) A large man. If you’ve got one, I suggest you use my patented**, fool-proof method.
A) Wrap yourself in blanket per #2 above.
B) Hop to sofa. Sit on sofa facing TV with your back supported by the arm.
C) Bring legs to chest and have a large man sit in front of you (If it’s cold, carefully tuck your toes under his butt .)
D) When we get to scary Black Jack parts, quickly lower your head, raise the man’s arm and peek out from underneath his pit slamming the arm to his side when you’re able to watch again.
Use ‘E’ only if A thru D don’t work:
E) Complete A through C, then: Wrap your arms around man’s waist (as if riding a motorcycle), bend your head down and around the side of his body so you can see the TV. Sporadically let out high pitched screams near his ear releasing tension and fear from your body. (Your man will enjoy this as it will make him feel needed.)
8) If a large man is not accessible, an amiable cat may substituted.
If you follow these simple directions, you will survive the final three Outlander episodes and emerge free to go on living a happy life until next year when it all starts up again.
* It’s not medically proven, I lied.
** Nope, I lied again, no way is this patented.