The Top 8 Things You’ll Need To Survive The Final Three Outlander Episodes

The following are ‘medically proven’* to help you survive the final three Outlander episodes:

1) Boxes and boxes of tissues. You know what? Forget it. You’ll need a large towel for your tears.

2) A large, soft blanket….preferably plaid. Wrap this tightly around your body as you would a crying infant. You may need to ask a neighbor or close friend to assist with swaddling.

3) A pillow.  Must be large enough to hide behind; find one with fringe or ruffles to peek through. (Over-sized teddy bears may be substituted).

4) Alcohol….and plenty of it.  Whisky is recommended, but feel free to choose your favorite.  Three hours prior to showtime, begin drinking 1/2 cup straight liquor every half hour. (Do this only if you’re home for the evening.)

5) Chocolate….this releases endorphins into your body that will give you a false sense of well being.  You’re gonna need it.

6) Faux Weapon.  I recommend a ‘Nerf’ style machine gun to shoot the TV when the Evil Black Jack Randall appears.  It’ll make you feel like you’re helping the Frasers, even if you’re not.

7) A large man.  If you’ve got one, I suggest you use my patented**, fool-proof method.

Directions:
A) Wrap yourself in blanket per #2 above.
B) Hop to sofa. Sit on sofa facing TV with your back supported by the arm.
C) Bring legs to chest and have a large man sit in front of you (If it’s cold, carefully tuck your toes under his butt .)
D) When we get to scary Black Jack parts, quickly lower your head, raise the man’s arm and peek out from underneath his pit slamming the arm to his side when you’re able to watch again.
Use ‘E’ only if A thru D don’t work:
E) Complete A through C, then: Wrap your arms around man’s waist (as if riding a motorcycle), bend your head down and around the side of his body so you can see the TV. Sporadically let out high pitched screams near his ear releasing tension and fear from your body. (Your man will enjoy this as it will make him feel needed.)
8) If a large man is not accessible, an amiable cat may substituted.

If you follow these simple directions, you will survive the final three Outlander episodes and emerge free to go on living a happy life until next year when it all starts up again.

* It’s not medically proven, I lied.
** Nope, I lied again, no way is this patented.

18 Comments

  • dot65jean
    Posted May 7, 2015 12:46 pm 0Likes

    BRILLIANT!!!!!! I shall follow these instructions to the letter! Would love to meet you because you are totally BRILLIANT! (old lady in Ohio!)

    • Melissa B
      Posted May 8, 2015 2:28 am 0Likes

      Thank you Dot….or is it Dot Jean? Ohio is one of my FAVORITE places! Love the rolling, green farmland. 🙂

  • Norma D
    Posted May 7, 2015 2:35 pm 0Likes

    Excellent planning and forethought! A community service for all. Bless you! I’d patent it if I were you.

    • Melissa B
      Posted May 8, 2015 2:30 am 0Likes

      Norma, I am a professional worrier so I’m always planning in advance what I’ll do if any scary situation occurs. It drives my loved ones INSANE, lol! But, makes for great comedy 🙂 Thanks for writing!

      • cachetgal
        Posted May 8, 2015 2:13 pm 0Likes

        I missed seeing the get a email notification option so how do I set that up as I can’t see a way to modify my response? x

        • Melissa B
          Posted May 8, 2015 3:47 pm 0Likes

          I don’t know. I’m a techo-moron…. I think there’s a button that says ‘Follow’, but readers see something different from my page. I’m so bad at technical stuff. 🙁

  • jetric
    Posted May 7, 2015 7:03 pm 0Likes

    Very clever. Laughed out loud though I know some of this is very serious stuff! ;o)

    • Melissa B
      Posted May 8, 2015 2:30 am 0Likes

      Thanks Jetric. Laughing in the face of danger is my specialty! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  • outlandishrdh
    Posted May 8, 2015 1:59 am 0Likes

    Well…let’s see #1√, #2√, #3√, #4 will be substituted with a coke or sweet tea #5 chocolate √ #6 hmm have to think on that one maybe I can borrow my hubby’s darts, #7 got a man altho not so large but loving so I guess I’m good there √ #8 if he’s not willing to help I have 2 dogs that are willing to bit BJR arse hehehe

    Fun post 🙂

    • Melissa B
      Posted May 8, 2015 2:33 am 0Likes

      It sounds like you are ready for anything. I love that you tailored the Survival Plan for your likes and dislikes. Together, we can make it through the final 3. 🙂 🙂 🙂

  • Tina
    Posted May 8, 2015 2:32 am 0Likes

    Gathering my supplies “as we speak”.
    But I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.?

    • Melissa B
      Posted May 8, 2015 2:38 am 0Likes

      Together, we will survive. Whisky, chocolate, pillow and cat or large man and you’ll be fine! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • Melissa B
      Posted May 8, 2015 3:52 pm 0Likes

      I know, Tina. I don’t think anyone’s ready for this.

  • nanci712
    Posted May 8, 2015 3:01 am 0Likes

    Thanks for another funny read! You mentioned eveything on my “go to” list and should survive what’s coming up. ✔✔ checked ?

    • Melissa B
      Posted May 8, 2015 6:05 am 0Likes

      Thank you. Another alert reader pointed out that I forgot ice cream. Shame on me, lol!

  • anafraserlallybroch
    Posted May 8, 2015 6:53 am 0Likes

    Reblogged this on Ana Fraser Lallybroch Blog.

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