The weary travelers arrive at Castle Leoch wearing old timey golf hats like the one my grandfather Mickey Maguire wore. It’s the first day of school and everyone has a friend except Claire. ‘Domestic Manager’ Mrs. Fitz happily greets the gang including Murtagh whom she tells ‘smells like shit’ thus eliciting his first smile of the season. She then notices Claire and Jamie introduces her while distancing himself like a kid who doesn’t know why a stray dog followed him home.
Mrs. F tries to haul Claire into the house to feed and dress her but Claire wants to tend to Jamie’s bullet wound instead. Upon discovering Claire’s a healer, Mrs. F morphs from cuddly grandma to torch wielding Salem townsfolk but then decides to drag Jamie inside to be taken care of.
I feel bad that Jamie was shot, but gosh darn that means he has to take his shirt off and Holy Objectification Batman, that. man. is. fine. Jamie explains to Claire how he got his scars when that SOB Black Jack Randall whipped him. Jamie has gone weeks without bathing but seems fresh as a daisy so I convince myself he snuck in 5 minutes for a hot bath, manscaping and teeth whitening before presenting his gorgeous ginger self to Claire.
Flashback and it’s the redcoats. I admit I hit the mute button when they whipped Jamie and not just cuz my dog told me to. I’ve been so excited to see Jenny who is one of my favorite characters and oh crap, Jack Randall has her. I feel so bad for Jenny and I shout at the TV so she’s not afraid to go in the house because he has ‘dysfunction issues’. Sadly, she does not appear to hear me.
Back to present. Jamie tells Claire she has a gentle touch and her husband is a lucky man. She begins to cry and awkwardly says ‘he is not alive.’ Jamie sweetly comforts her and Claire notices that little Jamie has zero dysfunction issues so she jumps away. They exchange a few words, and (sigh…..) Jamie grabs his big sword by the handle and leaves the room.
Hours later, Mrs. Fitz wakes Claire up rom-com style, whipping back the curtains and shouting her out of bed. She must go meet ‘Himself’ but first she must eat some broth. Claire’s hair is a giant rat’s nest just like my little sister’s used to look if I’m being honest. She has two sips and Mrs. F snatches it away. No wonder she’s skinny, she’s only had around 30 calories in 72 hours. Mrs. F starts to undress her though she’s confused by Claire’s Cross Your Heart bra but Claire lies and passes it off as ‘French’ (I’ve noticed they get blamed for a lot of stuff that’s not really their fault).
If it was me, I would’ve kept the bra for the next 20+ years, washing it in Woolite and clutching it to myself while I slept because it’s not like you can buy another one at the local Target. A fascinating Disney Channel clothing montage ensues as Claire is dressed in around 17 layers of gorgeous clothing which weigh more than a Kevlar vest. She even straps on a giant fake inner tube thing that looks like a Kardashian butt which cannot be comfortable. I guess men have always liked big butts and they cannot lie. Also, I notice Claire is all gorgeous dewiness without make up and then I remember life is not fair. 🙁
Claire is escorted to Colum’s office/birdhouse and his legs are worse than I pictured and I wonder if it’s prosthetics, CGI or a combo. Colum practically shines a light in her eyes and questions her ‘Film Noir’ style. Claire conveniently flashes back to Frank’s Youtube Instructional Video titled ‘How to Survive Time Travel Interrogation Under Duress’. Colum questions the validity of her ‘almost being raped by Black Jack story’ and Claire counters with a haughty “Is there ever a GOOD reason for rape Master MacKenzie?” She receives his promise she can leave in 5 days with a tinker who will take her to Inverness. “What’s a tinker and I can last 5 days” Claire thinks as she steps jauntily outside and into the most beautiful lighting God ever shone on planet Earth. She looks down to see Dougal playing with his, I mean, Colum’s son Hamish.
Claire enters the Hall, which reminds me of the original La Madeleine French restaurant in Austin only better, with her boobies pushed up so high it hurts. (This reminds me that I’m home for the night and I remove MY bra from underneath my clothing and hang it over the side of my chair.) I’m relieved she will finally get a decent meal, but instead she falls for the oldest trick in the book and knocks back enough booze to kill a donkey and cannot keep her yap shut. I love the wineglasses and make a note to search for equivalent at Crate and Barrel. Dougal and Colum have a ‘discussion’ about whether Jamie should stay in the stables or the castle. Meanwhile, Claire stumbles out of the Hall and off stage where she probably vomits into a vintage metal bucket though I’m just guessing.
Next morning Claire dresses in another gorgeous outfit and heads to the kitchen where she declines Mrs. F’s offer to heat up some porridge which makes me wonder if Mrs. F has a medieval microwave stashed somewhere. She heads out carrying a basket of goodies like Little Plaid Riding Hood to find young Jamie in the stables. Jamie and Claire sit on a blanket, and he shovels in food like a teamster and she pretends to eat. After lunch, Jamie stands to leave, then bravely squats down facing the camera to say one last thing and I swear I can hear women screaming across the world, their squeels echoing through hills and valleys then across the oceans and into outerspace.
Rupert, the house detective, is waiting for her. He explains he’s Dougal’s eyes and tomorrow Angus will be trailing her and Angus smells bad and fornicates with animals so she should count her blessings. I love Rupert! He’s like our friend from high school who still lives in his parents’ basement and never works, but we love hanging out with him cuz he’s so damn fun! Claire stomps into the castle and confronts Dougal and mentions she’s leaving in 4 days. What a dope.
The next day or day after (I’m losing track!) she gets dressed cramming what looks like a disposable air conditioning filter (what is that thing?) down her dress as she heads to the garden and meets Geillis Duncan who is intelligent, wise cracking and looks like she’s made out of glass. She invites Claire to come visit sometime.
Bagpipes play as Colum sits on a throne and listens to his tenants’ problems (‘he stole my cows’ and such). Claire stands with Geillis who’s her Gaidhlig to English translator. Next up is Laoghaire whose Dad says she’s a ho and the menfolk decide to beat the crap out of her. Jamie decides to take her punishment because he’s noble and I really wish he wouldn’t. The beating begins and it’s all fun and games til Rupert sucker punches his shoulder. Later, Claire patches up Jamie when Mrs. F arrives with her potions and says ‘thanks yo, Leghair is my granddaughter’. She does not bring leeches which I was looking forward to, but I guess they weren’t in the budget. Claire tells Jamie, she’s hitting the road in two days and he can take his own bandage off, bye Felicia. He takes the news like a champ and they begin to look meaningfully at each other when Leghair peers around the corner at him. Claire leaves and Jamie looks at Leeeery and lets out a deep sigh.
Tinker’s here (turns out he’s like a mobile 7-11) and Claire’s bags are packed and she’s ready to go. Dougal’s all ‘hold up little filly’ and takes her to see Colum who breaks the bad news. ‘You’re here to stay. This room is the Minor Emergency Dungeon, the doctor is in and it’s you’.
Poor Claire. Poor Jamie. Poor us! When will we get to see some Clamie kisses? I hope soon, and I wish yet again, that I was able to binge watch this show instead of waiting week to week.