Last June, our son Jake moved to L.A. and a big ‘ol fancy job. Since then, he’s been hearing his dad, Richard, and me talk, Facebook and tweet about ‘Outlander’. On the phone and via Skype, he asked if we had joined a cult. We told him he was really missing out on a great show and to go watch the first episode free at StarzOnDemand. So, he did. He said when he came home for the holidays, he was going to watch the rest of it……and so. he. did.
A little background on Jake. Since the age of 3, he’s been making funny/strange remarks and I’ve been writing it all down in notebooks and keeping it all safely tucked away on our bedroom bookshelf. Last year he came home while I was watching ‘Sense and Sensibility’ and his snark made me laugh so hard I had a coughing fit. Then I started taking notes in my high school shorthand, typed it up and posted it for my friends to read on Facebook. And they laughed too!
Due to my excitement about finally being able to share Outlander with him, I forgot all about his potential for snark when we sat down to watch the show. Silly me. Almost immediately, he began making his comments, so Richard paused the show and I ran for pen and paper and began writing it all down. This is the result.
The show begins, the theme song plays and Claire appears running through the woods.
Jake: Someone needs a bath.
Highlanders with their swords.
Jake: ‘Which one is Seamus? There’s always someone named Seamus.’
Jake: Cross Fade. Lens Flare. (He’s an editor). Oh wow. That grass is really freaking green!
The weary travelers ride into the courtyard of Leoch and Mrs. Fitz hugs Rupert.
Jake: Are they together?
Mrs. Fitz hugs Murtagh.
Jake: Oh. They must be together.
Jamie introduces Claire and Mrs. Fitz.
Mrs Fitz: ‘Everybody calls me Mrs. Fitz.’
Jake: (In girly British accent) ‘Well, I don’t.’
Jamie and Claire are by the fire and she’s just seen his back for the first time.
Jake: ‘A raincoat flogged him twice last week?’ ‘What the hell does that mean?’ ‘This is America, he needs to speak English’.
Claire. ‘You were arrested? On what charge?’
Jake: (In high squeaky voice) ‘For having sexy shoulders.’ (Laughs at his own joke.)
Flashback with redcoats.
Jake: ‘I don’t think this show has enough flashbacks’.
Next scene: Claire wakes up from nap. Mrs. Fitz gives her broth then immediately takes it away.
Jake: (High English accent) ‘That’s enough broth. Two spoonfuls is all you get.’
Claire takes off her bra.
Jake: ‘That’s awkward. How do they get the main actress to get naked? That must cost extra.’
Claire puts on bum roll.
Jake: ‘What the hell is that thing? Is that to make her butt look fat?’
Next scene: Claire is in Colum’s office. Colum enters.
Jake: ‘What the hell? What’s wrong with his legs? Is he part goat? Seriously mom, what’s wrong with his legs? Is it the actor or just the character? I feel like we should help him and bring more attention to his disease. Wait. Did he spend too long on a mechanical bull and then, evolution? Should we start wearing purple shit and raising money at football games? Seriously. What’s his disease? What’s his name anyway? Colum Macringleberry? I have to know if it’s the actor or the character cuz otherwise I shouldn’t make fun of him.
Claire explaining what happened with Black Jack Randall near Craigh na dun.
Jake: ‘Did she say Crepe Me Do? Are there subtitles? We need subtitles. Why is he asking all these questions? Why don’t they just chop off her head?’
Next scene. Claire goes to the stables and startles Jamie’s horse.
Jake: ‘What a wimpy horse. How’s he gonna go into battle if a little noise scares him?’
Claire: I’m gonna change your bandage and I brought you lunch’.
Jake: (High Swedish accent) ‘Just take off your shirt, ya?’
Jake’s Dad: ‘That sounds Swedish.’
Jake: ‘All those countries are the same near France.’
Next scene: Claire is getting dressed and inserts the stomacher in the front of her gown.
Jake: ‘What is that? Some kind of napkin?’
Claire in voiceover: ‘It felt so good to touch growing things again.’
Jake: ‘She can touch my growing thing.’ Looks at me: ‘Sorry. That was a good one!’ (Laughs)
Camera pans Geillis.
Jake: (In New York accent) ‘How you doin?’
Jake: ‘Oh. She’s Irish. She’s the real spy. Cut her head off. Her eyeliners too dark, I don’t trust her.’
Geillis: ‘I’m Geillis Duncan’
Jake: (With weird accent) ‘I didn’t ask.’
Next scene: Colum walks into the hall.
Jake: ‘Poor bastard’. ‘Is he talking Scottish? There should be subtitles. ‘Wait, is that guy [Colum] the king?’
Rupert hits Jamie.
Jake: ‘He hits like an untrained woman. Hey, that goat man [Colum] looks like Willie Nelson. Doesn’t he look like Willie Nelson? That MacCringleberry guy? Whats his name?’
Note: Happily, Jake got into the show so much, he stopped talking and watched the entire eight episodes and LOVED it. (We did not watch the Wedding with him, cuz AWKWARD!) Sadly for us, his internal/external monologue slowed to a crawl and there was not enough funny stuff for us to write down and share. He’s ordering Starz when he gets back to L.A. And #Outlander has one more 27-year old male fan. (Photo of Jake. Isn’t he cute?)