#Outlander epi 311 Re-cap, Featuring #Turtle Soup, Grilled Goat, a Slippery Snake & Fire Ants.

At the end of last week’s episode Claire jumped ship and this week she washes up on shore and realizes she’s in a world of trouble and only has 3 days to find water or die.
Luckily for our hero, she’s smart as hell, so she dries her clothing, searches for civilization and picks up flint rocks and dried sticks in case she needs to start a fire. That night, she falls asleep and wakes up with fire ants swarming and biting her legs. UnFun Fact:  Fire ants are the bain of my existence in Texas. I hate those little mofos.  #ButIDigress  Next day she finds a coconut but it’s been drained dry and the other ones are too high up in the tree for her to reach even with her perfect 36” inseam. She walks all day falling asleep leaning against a tree.  In the morning, she wakes up to discover a big, nasty snake crawling across her neck.ClaireSnake_meme
She gets up, stumbles through the woods and hears a man’s voice.  As she sees him, she faints and a little, barking dog runs up and finds her. Claire wakes up tied to a bed, with green poultice slimed over her nasty, infected legs. The world’s bitchiest woman dumps water down her throat, gives the zipper on her clothing a suspicious gander and takes off with her clothes.

As she awakens, a priest, Father Fogden greets her, unties her limbs and gives her water.  He tells her there’s a village, one days’ walk from his home but she’s too weak to travel.  He then consults with a coconut for a second opinion. His coconut agrees she’s too weak to travel, but then they have a disagreement…as one does.  FogdenCoconut_meme
At dinner Claire asks how they came to live on the island. Hint: Never ask crazy people a question if you don’t already know the answer Claire.  Fogden says he ran away with a woman who became his wife but she died. The rude woman, his mother-in-law, Mamacita, begins shouting she wants Claire out of their home. Father Looney-Tunes lights up his pipe and gets stoned for the 5th time that day. Mamacita_meme
Next morning Father Stoner and his MIL go apeshit when they find out a Chinese sailor has killed their favorite goat.  Claire hears ‘Chinese sailor’ and takes off running toward the beach cutting her arm in the process. Jamie and a handful of his buddies are on shore fixing part of the ship. By the time Claire gets there, they’ve finished the repairs and are already a few hundred yards off shore.  Pickpocket Claire handily stole a small mirror and now uses it girl-scout style to signal Jamie on the ship.  He rows ashore and they run into each other’s arms. Sadly they’re not in red swimsuits. Or running in slow motion. #WeCantHaveEverything JamieBeach_meme
Yi Tien Cho sews up Claire’s arm and I’m hoping he shows up next season cuz I’m getting verra fond of him. Jamie tells Claire he gave the kids permission to wed and she tells him she ‘knows a guy.’  They go to visit Father Fogden and I wonder if the coconut will assist with the ceremony.  Claire helps #MarsaliRhymesWithParsley get dressed and gives her birth control advice. #GirlPower

Father Fogden marries the happy couple and when Jamie gives Fergus his last name, my iceburg heart melted and pink birds flew out and sang a lovesong.


Aboard ship, Claire has eaten turtle soup , laced with sherry and managed to get snockered. Jamie attempts to give her a shot of Penicillin but he canna hurt her which is adorable.  Claire’s not so looped that she has forgotten her husband is the hottest guy on the planet so she adorably climbs all over him, trying to seduce him and eventually achieves her goal.
Only two more episodes this year and then we begin #Droughtlander all over again.  I have no idea how they’re going to squish everything into two more episodes, but I trust they’ll get it done.

In related news, I really need to expand my TV viewing world, but I’m not sure where to begin.  Nothing compares to our show, does it?  I’m the hardest person to suggest a tv show to and this is why.  I don’t like shows where people float in outer space or under water because then I can’t breathe.  I don’t like shows with slavery.  *I don’t like shows with torture.  I don’t like shows where they hurt children. The writing has to be smart and witty is a bonus.  That leaves Grace and Frankie, Gilmore Girl’s and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman reruns.  Any suggestions my peeps?

*(I had a very hard time with the episodes where Jamie was whipped and tortured so I watched without volume through my fingers.) 



  • Cheryl
    Posted 0Likes

    Lovely review. It was a fun episode. Just finished the John Adams miniseries. Quite good and they argued slavery.

  • Nell Kahil
    Posted 0Likes

    Thanks, Melissa. Sometime you should do a blog about living in Texas!

  • Carrie
    Posted 0Likes

    Yet another brilliant recap! Marsali rhymes with parsley ???? and the crazy MIL outranking Jenny from the Broch made me spit coffee out and scare the cats! You rock!

  • dot65jean
    Posted 0Likes

    I now find that I ENJOY YOUR COMMENTARY

    on each

    episode more than I do each episode! I just finished re-reading “Voyager” for the third time. I do miss the writers of Season One. I realize it is “Great Expectations to expect the entire character lists of the book to get into the tv show, but I do miss the ones who were left out.

    • Thank you Dot! Voyager was my least favorite book, but I love the adaptation except for one episode. I can’t wait for Season 4!

  • Joan Tinnin
    Posted 0Likes

    Melissa, you are the goddess of reviewers. You are a genius at just plain adding to my love of this show. You make me smile and laugh out loud. You ADD to the characters. Like you, I am wondering how they will squish the rest of Voyager into two episodes. I’m sure they’ll manage. Since I cannot come up with a single show that could possibly fill in Droughtlander, I suggest we build a shrine of Outlandish objects and pray to it that Diana finishes book 9 in 2018. She is now puzzling over finishing it in 2019!!! I am not young. Neither is she! Thank you for making my day brighter with your humor.

    • Thank you Joan, I feel as though I should mail you a check for your compliments!! A shrine seems normal…I have a cardboard Jamie someone gave me!!?

  • Jaime
    Posted 0Likes

    Hi-I love reading your recaps. Another great show (great writing, character driven, based on a series of beloved novels-sound familiar?) is Longmire on Netflix. I love the books by Craig Johnson, and the show has the heart of the books, even if it diverges from the “known” story sometimes. Maybe give it a try. Robert Taylor, Lou Diamond Phillips, Katee Sackoff, and the rest of the cast are amazing! Keep re-capping!

    • Laurie
      Posted 0Likes

      I was going to suggest Longmire as well. The series is complete so there won’t be any waiting around for another season. Yay for the Gilmore Girl love.

      • Evazell Burris
        Posted 0Likes

        I agree one of the best shows I have seen try it out

  • Lydia milnar
    Posted 0Likes

    Watch Poldark on PBS. Excellent

    • Marla
      Posted 0Likes

      Poldark is the only thing that even comes close to Outlander!

  • Fatima
    Posted 0Likes

    Have you tried Poldark? Not a lot of sex but more smoulder.

  • Joyce Johnston
    Posted 0Likes

    Great recap Thanks

  • Ken
    Posted 0Likes

    Melissa, Try Dr. Who. New season is unfortunately September 2018 but for the first time there is a female Doctor. Diana Gabaldon indicates it was the inspiration for Outlander. Something about Kilts. If you like quirky, try Dirk Gently series. Or the original Douglas Adams Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe.

  • Eileen
    Posted 0Likes

    This is us is my favorite tv show.

  • Sue Herman
    Posted 0Likes

    Catch up on Grantchester on PBS.

  • carolyn530
    Posted 0Likes

    On PBS Masterpiece: The Durrell’s in Corfu, Poldark. You can stream them any time if you are a member of your local PBS affiliate. The Collection is interesting but a little more dark. On Netflix, Last Tango in Halifax is cute. On Amazon Prime, Mozart in the Jungle.

  • Jo
    Posted 0Likes

    Victoria maybe? I loved it. Can’t wait for season 2. Poldark as others have mentioned

  • Lora K.
    Posted 0Likes

    OMG Melissa: Ditto! I still haven’t watched the prison rape/torture scenes from S1 (my personal technique is to hold the muted remote over my eyes and look straight upward. When the light reflected from the TV onto the living room ceiling markedly changes, I know the scene is over.) Can’t deal with those kinds of scenes or any of the others you mentioned. I’ve never been a big TV watcher — I can’t commit to a series (the last I watched was HBO’s PanAm in 2011… by the time I finally got caught up on the episodes I’d taped, the show was cancelled.) I reluctantly began watching Outlander last New Year at my sister’s and became immediately hooked. I truly look forward to it each week, and now also your humorous and witty commentary. The photo captions are always hilarious… the Bitch Certificate here is the absolute best! As if there isn’t enough to dislike about this character, she’s the cause of that irritating “Donde Esta Santa Clause” song to be stuck in my head!

    Keep up these entertaining recaps coming!!!

    • I have a friend who watched it with the fringe from her sofa pillows hanging over her eyes like giant upside down eyelashes.? I loved The Thornbirds in the 1970s or 80s! That’s how old I am.

      • Evazell Burris
        Posted 0Likes

        I liked the Thorn Birds also but then I am 79

  • Laine Andrews
    Posted 0Likes

    Loved your caption for the beach reunion scene. Who wouldn’t run towards that man?

    So glad that the alter-egos – dithering “To stay or not to stay” Claire and incompetent mean Jamie appear to be gone and the whole hearted lovers are back.
    And unlike his wedding night, Jamie finally got to do it “like horses” LOL.

  • Merry Miller Moon
    Posted 0Likes

    I suggest you watch ‘American Gods’ also on Starz. It is based on the Neil Gaiman book. Excellent series! Also, I suggest lots of HGTV. And of course the Holiday Baking Championship. 🙂

  • Terri D.
    Posted 0Likes

    Love the recaps, makes me smile again. Try Shetland Series about modern day Scottish island with some of our favorite characters (actors realy. Includes the mysterious lost in America Willie)

  • Peigi
    Posted 0Likes

    Don’t miss Poldark Dish recaps by Anglophile channel ‘s Cornwall Cougars (they seem to have stopped doing OutlandDish) The Halcyon (set in a London hotel during WWII, special feature: Liberty of London wallpaper and gorgeous art deco sets) and binge Call the Midwife, plus that WWI drama w/Richard Rankin. For books, Sarah Woodbury’s After Cilmari series, time travel in Wales.

  • Rosemary J Brown
    Posted 0Likes

    Love your recaps, Melissa! You are utterly hilarious when you recount a new episode. Like you, I’m a nut case for Outlander. Accidentally got into it late one night when I couldn’t sleep about midway through Season One. Then went back and viewed it from the beginning and haven’t missed an episode since. Now In two weeks we’ll be into another droughtlander, which prompted my son to say, “Mom, are you going to be okay?” LOL… Keep those recaps coming, girl. You’re the best.

  • Teresa
    Posted 0Likes

    You are obviously a thinking woman. “Mozart in the Jungle” is a good show. No torture, I promise.

  • Julie
    Posted 0Likes

    Love your recaps of the show! I recommend “The Fall” on Netflix. Stars Jamie Dornan and Laura Donnelly (from Outlander), and has great plot twists. Plus, the Irish and English accents and shirtless Jamie is great….

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